Difficult or Toxic Relationships
Of all the issues I work with in therapy, the one that comes up most consistently, across the widest range of people, is the impact of our early relationships on the relationships we have as adults. It's not always obvious at first. Someone might come to therapy with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or a pattern of things going wrong at work, and only gradually does it become clear that the roots of these difficulties lie in what kind of love and care was, or wasn't, available to them when they were young.
How Childhood Shapes Us
The kind of relationship you had with your parents or main caregivers in childhood has a powerful influence on what feels 'normal' to you in relationships as an adult. Psychologists call this your 'attachment style'. If you grew up with caregivers who were reliably warm, responsive, and available, you're likely to have developed what's called a secure attachment style, which generally makes adult relationships feel more manageable and less fraught. Roughly half the population have this.
The rest of us developed different patterns, sometimes described as anxious, avoidant, or disorganised, depending on what our early experiences taught us about whether other people could be trusted and relied upon. These patterns don't disappear in adulthood; they tend to show up in our friendships, our romantic relationships, and our working lives, often in ways that feel confusing or frustrating because we can see the pattern but can't seem to change it.
Sometimes the difficulties are obvious: a parent who was abusive, absent, or overtly rejecting. But often the impact of childhood is subtler than that. A parent who was emotionally unavailable, or who was struggling so much with their own difficulties that there wasn't much left for the children. A parent with strong narcissistic traits who needed to be the centre of attention, leaving their child uncertain about their own feelings and needs. These experiences don't always leave visible scars, but they do shape us.
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
A toxic relationship isn't always one where there's obvious conflict or violence, though it can be. More often, it's characterised by repetitive, destructive patterns: controlling or manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail, constant criticism, a persistent sense that you are less than, that your needs don't matter, or that you're walking a tightrope to avoid upsetting the other person. Toxic relationships tend to feel compulsive; you may be well aware that something is wrong but find it very difficult to change or leave, because the pull of that familiar dynamic is so strong.
Toxic dynamics can exist between partners, between parents and adult children, between friends, or in the workplace. One of the most common and painful versions is the mother-daughter relationship, where a daughter may have grown up trying to manage her mother's emotions, suppress her own needs, or earn a love that always felt conditional. Adult daughters in this situation often find themselves struggling with self-worth, difficulty asserting themselves, or a longing for closeness that simultaneously feels frightening.
How Therapy Can Help
Understanding your attachment history, and how it shows up in your current relationships, is one of the most freeing things that therapy can offer. It doesn't mean blaming your parents, or getting stuck in the past. It means making sense of your own patterns and responses in a way that genuinely opens up new possibilities.
In therapy we can work on understanding where your relational patterns come from, developing a clearer sense of what you need and deserve from relationships, learning to recognise toxic dynamics earlier, and building the confidence to respond differently. I have a particular interest in attachment-based work and have done additional training in this area, in particular via The Bowlby Centre.